sephira: (Justified: door)
(Image from here.)

This is the continuation of a review of Zombie Moon, the latest in zombie-themed romance novels.

So, at the end of Part I, we paused with our hero and heroine starting on a roadtrip to Texas from somewhere that isn’t Texas. Today I want to begin with this wonderful conversation that takes place at a truckstop, when hero Caleb "Lab Cock Lee" Locke realizes that the strong, independent heroine is being attacked by zombies offscreen:

He shoved his laptop into the trucker’s hands. “Anything happens to this I’ll kill you.”

The trucker opened his mouth, but Caleb pulled a knife from his bag and poked the tip of the blade into the man’s gut. “Do you believe me?”

The man’s eyes shifted to the side. Caleb poked him again. “I don’t have time for you to act brave, or think about calling for help. Just know if when I come back, my laptop isn’t safe or there’s some other unpleasant surprise waiting for me, I’ll track you down and leave you in such little bits even the zombies won’t bother with you.” Then he slipped the knife into his sleeve and sprinted from the restaurant.

Listen, douchebag, in the time it took you to have your little homoerotic knife conversation, you could have gone after her and killed twelve zombies already. I guess you don’t want to get brain splatters on your ‘Hack The Planet’ stickers or anything.

This strange character dichotomy continues. )
sephira: (Justified: door)
(Image from here.)

This is the continuation of a review of Zombie Moon, the latest in zombie-themed romance novels.

So, at the end of Part I, we paused with our hero and heroine starting on a roadtrip to Texas from somewhere that isn’t Texas. Today I want to begin with this wonderful conversation that takes place at a truckstop, when hero Caleb "Lab Cock Lee" Locke realizes that the strong, independent heroine is being attacked by zombies offscreen:

He shoved his laptop into the trucker’s hands. “Anything happens to this I’ll kill you.”

The trucker opened his mouth, but Caleb pulled a knife from his bag and poked the tip of the blade into the man’s gut. “Do you believe me?”

The man’s eyes shifted to the side. Caleb poked him again. “I don’t have time for you to act brave, or think about calling for help. Just know if when I come back, my laptop isn’t safe or there’s some other unpleasant surprise waiting for me, I’ll track you down and leave you in such little bits even the zombies won’t bother with you.” Then he slipped the knife into his sleeve and sprinted from the restaurant.

Listen, douchebag, in the time it took you to have your little homoerotic knife conversation, you could have gone after her and killed twelve zombies already. I guess you don’t want to get brain splatters on your ‘Hack The Planet’ stickers or anything.

This strange character dichotomy continues. )
sephira: (Supernatural: Sam shotgun <3)
Brought to you by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] violettavalery, who got me this book as a present.


The biggest disappointment for me about Zombie Moon (apart from its total lack of zombie moons) is that despite the post-apocalyptic look on the cover (dude walking around openly with a shotgun and bandolier, the fact that his feet are clearly on fire and he doesn’t even care), it’s actually set in the present day. It’s a slightly alternate universe, I guess, because there’s a subculture of ‘zombie sightings’ in the way you have UFO sightings today. But they’re presented as cranks despite the fact that zombies are wandering around everywhere, and the people who hunt them evidently don’t even bother to dispose of their horribly decomposed and shotgunned remains. I want people’s reactions in an alternate universe to make sense. Otherwise you end up with True Blood or something! Wait, why am I applying a serious critique to a paranormal romance?

Anyway, Zombie Moon is about a hero, who like about 35% of the men in romance novels, is named 'Caleb'. Caleb is a zombie hunter and also a werewolf. That’s not a spoiler; it’s mentioned in literally the third paragraph. Slightly later on, we find out that Caleb deliberaty infected himself with werewolf-ness because there are only two things in the world that can make you immune to zombie bites: lycanthropy, and Chinese character tattoos, and of course he chose the appropriate sacrifice. I might have embellished that slightly, but that’s how it happened in my head. We also find out that Caleb never studied much Old English, because he repeatedly refers to himself as a ‘were’. ‘Were’ does not mean wolf, dude! It means ‘man’, and is related through Proto-Indo-European to the Latin word vir, from which we get ‘virile’! Maybe he’s just trying to say that he’s really, really manly. Anyway, this is really all you need to know about Caleb:

“With a gun strapped to his hip and a shotgun at his side, he looked like a character from some old Western. She had never met anyone as confident of their power as Caleb Locke, never realized someone like him could really exist. He was every action hero of every movie she had ever seen, ever secretly fantasized of meeting.”

Also, his name is an anagram of ‘A Belle Cock’, but that is probably just a coincidence.

ZOMBIES! WEREWOLVES! PASSION! ONLINE GAMING! )
 
sephira: (Supernatural: Sam shotgun <3)
Brought to you by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] violettavalery, who got me this book as a present.


The biggest disappointment for me about Zombie Moon (apart from its total lack of zombie moons) is that despite the post-apocalyptic look on the cover (dude walking around openly with a shotgun and bandolier, the fact that his feet are clearly on fire and he doesn’t even care), it’s actually set in the present day. It’s a slightly alternate universe, I guess, because there’s a subculture of ‘zombie sightings’ in the way you have UFO sightings today. But they’re presented as cranks despite the fact that zombies are wandering around everywhere, and the people who hunt them evidently don’t even bother to dispose of their horribly decomposed and shotgunned remains. I want people’s reactions in an alternate universe to make sense. Otherwise you end up with True Blood or something! Wait, why am I applying a serious critique to a paranormal romance?

Anyway, Zombie Moon is about a hero, who like about 35% of the men in romance novels, is named 'Caleb'. Caleb is a zombie hunter and also a werewolf. That’s not a spoiler; it’s mentioned in literally the third paragraph. Slightly later on, we find out that Caleb deliberaty infected himself with werewolf-ness because there are only two things in the world that can make you immune to zombie bites: lycanthropy, and Chinese character tattoos, and of course he chose the appropriate sacrifice. I might have embellished that slightly, but that’s how it happened in my head. We also find out that Caleb never studied much Old English, because he repeatedly refers to himself as a ‘were’. ‘Were’ does not mean wolf, dude! It means ‘man’, and is related through Proto-Indo-European to the Latin word vir, from which we get ‘virile’! Maybe he’s just trying to say that he’s really, really manly. Anyway, this is really all you need to know about Caleb:

“With a gun strapped to his hip and a shotgun at his side, he looked like a character from some old Western. She had never met anyone as confident of their power as Caleb Locke, never realized someone like him could really exist. He was every action hero of every movie she had ever seen, ever secretly fantasized of meeting.”

Also, his name is an anagram of ‘A Belle Cock’, but that is probably just a coincidence.

ZOMBIES! WEREWOLVES! PASSION! ONLINE GAMING! )
 

June 2016

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