sephira: (Bones: Booth and Brennan)
You might have seen this article get posted around LJ with much scorn a while back: 'The Online World of Female Desire.' What confused me about the scorn is that the main premise is exactly the same as something I'd mentioned offhandedly in this old Fanfiction article, and I didn't get a single complaint about that, or even a hint from anyone that there was anything negative about the idea. 
 
I would put this down to the obvious fact that one is the WSJ, and one is a random Cracked piece that didn't even get a front page feature, except that the Cracked piece only got the hits it did because of being linked around on LJ and other fanfic-heavy places. Also, several of the LJ people who complained about the WSJ piece were the same people who'd messaged me complimenting the article. Did they just skip that bit?

So I got curious, and read the link. The WSJ article says:

"Whereas two-minute video clips are the most popular form of contemporary erotica for men, the most popular form for women remains the romance novel, an artifact that takes many hours to digest... All romance novels, whether written by the likes of Jane Austen, Nora Roberts or Stephenie Meyer, employ a narrative formula that follows the gradual elucidation of the hero's inner character, leading to an emotional epiphany between hero and heroine. On this journey, the heroine—and the reader—investigates the character of the hero. The goal of a romance novel's heroine is never sex for its own sake, much less impersonal sex with strangers. In addition to providing a new platform for traditional romance tales, the Web has fueled an explosion of stories written by a highly interactive community of female amateurs: a genre called "fan fiction.""
 
Okay, not that different to this:

"The main writers and readers of all kinds of fanfiction are women, but the ladies particularly dominate this genre. This might be due to the need of many women to experience emotional as well as visual stimuli to enjoy sex fully. Fanfic comes with emotional bonds to the characters already built-in: these have been formed during the fan's prior experience of the book/show/music/whatever.
 
This saves the female reader all the time she would have wasted reading a romance novel, slowly building up a 200-page bond with the characters in order to finally get to the sex. Instead, having already invested the time to read Harry Potter, the reader can immediately dive into an unlimited supply of hot Lupin/Snape action.
 
Which isn't to say men don't write fanfiction, It just tends to all be all about them boning a female character with the addition of "Oh yeah and we were on a spaceship or something.""
 
Awesome, we're in agreement. But wait. The authors, in their infinite wisdom, also give us this:
 
"The female cortex contains a highly developed system for finding and scrutinizing a prospective partner—a system that might be dubbed the Miss Marple Detective Agency. Agatha Christie's fictional sleuth is often dismissed as scatterbrained, but she is actually a shrewd judge of character and harbors deep knowledge of the dark side of human nature. She uses her surprising analytical acumen to solve mysteries that have stumped the police. Using similar investigative skills, the female brain evaluates all available evidence regarding a potential mate's social, emotional and physical qualities to make an all-important decision: Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong? Only if Miss Marple gives her stamp of approval do physical arousal and psychological arousal harmoniously unite in the female brain."
 
Guys! It's the Evo Psych Good Will Theory Destructobomb Paragraph!
 
So I think I've come up with a plan to make sure your theory alienates as many people as possible:
 
1. Linguistically reduce not just an individual, but an entire group of people to a single 'brain'. Don't worry about stuff like 'the endocrine system' either. Just say 'cortex' and people will think you're smart. 
 
2. Even though you're talking about a part of the brain which isn't exactly known as a dark unknown ocean of irrational desire, act like everything you're talking about is completely inevitable, unconscious and unaffected by free will. It doesn't matter whether this is true or not! What matters is that people love being told they're slavering, robotic meat-sacks.
 
3. Throw in something about 'social and emotional qualities' in the hope that your audience hasn't actually read any fanfiction, so they'll won't be confused about what 'qualities' make Snape desirable when he's statutorily raping someone.
 
4. Be sure to put in a reference to 'Mr Right' somehow, because it's the end game of all female desire for anything and explains why married women don't read fanfiction or have any hobbies.

5. ???
 
6. Profit!
 
I have a theory about why the authors are being so supposedly counterproductive here: back when humans still lived on the savanna, early ancestors of homo sapiens began to alienate the vast majority of their social group by spouting off unfalsifiable bullshit about cortices. This method ensured that only the most gullible group members stuck around to listen to their theories. The low intelligence and docility of the group members that stayed around meant that it was easy for the alienaters to mate with them and pass on their genes successfully. As a result, the human cortex now possesses what I call an alienation desire structure, and I recently proved this by sticking people in an MRI and telling them that they only liked their favorite music because the steady beat reminded them of fucking and delicious berries and some shit.
  
sephira: (Justified: hat)

Thank you [livejournal.com profile] nobleplatypus[livejournal.com profile] lunabird[livejournal.com profile] ndnickerson, and everyone who suggested ideas for this! I do not have any candy, so I give you a picture:

sephira: (Justified: hat)

Thank you [livejournal.com profile] nobleplatypus[livejournal.com profile] lunabird[livejournal.com profile] ndnickerson, and everyone who suggested ideas for this! I do not have any candy, so I give you a picture:

sephira: (BALD EAGLE FUCK YEAH)
...I always imagine what will go on in Cracked editorial meetings when they receive it. This is also a good way to avoid writing the article. (Yes I know they do not all really meet in person and so forth. It is my imagination so you must deal with it.)

SCENE: CRACKED EDITORIAL MEETING, NOVEMBER 2010

Robert Brockway: So, we finally got the final draft of next week's article in from, uh, 'sephira'. It's even worse than usual. This sentence is actually two pages long. And all of her sources link back to a guy on Angelfire who calls himself 'Whistleblower Fred'.

Jack O'Brien: Again?

Robert Brockway: She also misspelled 'Cracked'.

David Wong: To tell the truth, I only gave her that article to stop her repitching it every two days. I thought maybe it would keep her busy so that she would stop pitching that one article about how television shows should have more velociraptors. At least for a week or two.

Dan O'Brien: I'll call S. Peter Davis and tell him to stock up on the amphetamines. Maybe he can edit this into something passable before the deadline. If not, we can run that backup article about the monkeys.

Jack O'Brien: Well guys, let's move on to the pitches from this week. Tell me we have something.

Robert Brockway: Here's one: "The 10 Most Bizarrely Huge Babies." What the living fuck.

David Wong: Jesus Christ.

Jack O'Brien: What else do we have?

Robert Brockway: Um, let's see. "8 Elephants That Defy The Boundaries of Science."

Dan O'Brien: I'm going to kill myself. 

sephira: (BALD EAGLE FUCK YEAH)
...I always imagine what will go on in Cracked editorial meetings when they receive it. This is also a good way to avoid writing the article. (Yes I know they do not all really meet in person and so forth. It is my imagination so you must deal with it.)

SCENE: CRACKED EDITORIAL MEETING, NOVEMBER 2010

Robert Brockway: So, we finally got the final draft of next week's article in from, uh, 'sephira'. It's even worse than usual. This sentence is actually two pages long. And all of her sources link back to a guy on Angelfire who calls himself 'Whistleblower Fred'.

Jack O'Brien: Again?

Robert Brockway: She also misspelled 'Cracked'.

David Wong: To tell the truth, I only gave her that article to stop her repitching it every two days. I thought maybe it would keep her busy so that she would stop pitching that one article about how television shows should have more velociraptors. At least for a week or two.

Dan O'Brien: I'll call S. Peter Davis and tell him to stock up on the amphetamines. Maybe he can edit this into something passable before the deadline. If not, we can run that backup article about the monkeys.

Jack O'Brien: Well guys, let's move on to the pitches from this week. Tell me we have something.

Robert Brockway: Here's one: "The 10 Most Bizarrely Huge Babies." What the living fuck.

David Wong: Jesus Christ.

Jack O'Brien: What else do we have?

Robert Brockway: Um, let's see. "8 Elephants That Defy The Boundaries of Science."

Dan O'Brien: I'm going to kill myself. 

sephira: (Supernatural: Impala)

But it’s finally done. The apex of my writing career, nay, my very life.

I present to you:

SPARKLENATURAL: A Fanfiction..

(For background info on Twilight, go here. For background info on Supernatural, go here. Both contain spoilers.)

  

Her skin was like a highway made of crystal that someone had broken their windshield across. It glittered with thousands of tiny rainbows. On every rainbow danced a tiny unicorn, as free and unfettered as the noble animals that she hunted. )
sephira: (Supernatural: Impala)

But it’s finally done. The apex of my writing career, nay, my very life.

I present to you:

SPARKLENATURAL: A Fanfiction..

(For background info on Twilight, go here. For background info on Supernatural, go here. Both contain spoilers.)

  

Her skin was like a highway made of crystal that someone had broken their windshield across. It glittered with thousands of tiny rainbows. On every rainbow danced a tiny unicorn, as free and unfettered as the noble animals that she hunted. )

June 2016

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