I was talked into seeing this movie last night. I did that unwise thing where you say “Well, if you really want to see it, I’ll go,” while secretly hoping that the other person will say “Nah, it’s okay” and then they say “Yes.” I expected to be bored, at best mildly entertained, for a couple of hours while eating delicious popcorn.
Little did I know that it was going to turn out to be the greatest movie-watching experience of my life.
To be honest, I only assented to seeing this because it had Timothy Olyphant in it. And when he appeared on screen, I thought damn this is going to be a long two hours
, because he had a douchey ponytail. I wish I could find a picture; you’ll just have to imagine the douchiest ponytail ever. He looked like he should have been holding an acoustic guitar and singing about lesbian seagulls. But then, something strange happened. About ten minutes into the film, the douchey ponytail disappeared and was replaced with a normal haircut. It didn’t show him getting a haircut, and it happened when his character was in a hurry, so it wasn’t like he would have had time to stop and change it. The only possible explanation is that the movie is so awesome that it simply blasted the ponytail from existence.
So, the plot. It’s explained in an unintentionally hilarious monologue that the main character, John, is actually an alien who is being hunted by other evil aliens who had taken over his home planet, and are now trying to kill off the last of his kind so they can colonize Earth. Timothy Olyphant is another good alien, John’s protector/guardian who poses as his father while they’re on Earth. The problem here is that the actor who plays John looks way mature for his age, like seriously about 30 years old, and Timothy Olyphant’s pretty young looking, and so there’s literally no visually discernable age difference between them,
and instead they come off through the whole movie as having this wildly homoerotic relationship with a disturbingly unequal power dynamic:( (SPOILERS FOLLOW) )