sephira: (Supernatural: 80's pr0n stars)

It took some persuasion to watch this movie because a) the “found footage” genre was done to death about four years ago and b) I’ve really gone off horror lately and movies in general really. But, you know, it's Norwegian, and it's apparently getting remade as an American movie soon, and I'm a hipster, so I had to watch it so that later I could look down at people for not seeing the original beforehand like I did.

I was pleasantly surprised, because for one, this is not in fact a horror movie. It has horror elements, but it’s not horror. I’m not sure how I would describe it actually. Action? See, I found parts of it quite scary, but that’s only because I was scarred in childhood. Little books should not be given books illustrated by Kittelsen and then taken to places called "Troll Mountain"! Even if it’s part of their ethnic heritage!

Anyway, so this movie manages to get around the found footage cliché. To describe how exactly it does this would spoil much of the fun in the movie, a lot of which comes from the unexpected. I'll just say that my personal favorite part was how Scandinavian the whole thing was.

Spoilers )

sephira: (Star Trek)
So this movie takes place in a future in which psychological pre-screening has become a lost technology, but a spaceship crew still needs to travel into space to throw space bombs into the sun because Earth is too cold now. This is difficult because space is now made of liquid nitrogen so that exposure to it makes people shatter like the guy's head in that X-Files episode where that genius stole his brother's brain power and then used his body to kill people. And then stuff happened, and everyone was sad and angry and made frowny faces and yelled because THE REAL ENEMY IS INSIDE MAN, and I bet everyone regretted sending a bunch of jerks on a mission representing humanity's last hope. Maybe everyone on frozen earth has SAD now, and the crew was made up of people too gloomy to get a job at future Hot Topic. And then there was a surprise serial killer made of putty, but then the universe turned into a video clip and the melty dude’s skin ripped off and I thought my DVD was skipping a lot but that was just the movie. And then it turned out that the sun is made of Jesus, and then THEY WERE IN AUSTRALIA THE WHOLE TIME.

I am never trusting my friends' movie recommendations ever again. On the other hand my heterosexual life partner loved it, to the point where he's still talking about it hours later. I think he identified a lot with the 'trying to use helpful technology that is trying to kill you' factor. Oh and he watched all the special features and dear god Lux Aeterna was in the preview which is a crime that should be punishable by death (unless it's this.) Look I liked Clint Mansell before it was cool, okay? If I’m sick of that song it means something is very very wrong.

One star. ★ Get it? One star? Because oh forget it.
sephira: (Justified)
Well, that’s the most I’ve been misled by a trailer for a while.

What You Expect From The Trailer: While doing his wacky unexpected job, Jake Gyllenhaal the loveable rogue gradually falls in love with pretty black-haired actress whose name I’ve forgotten. Near the end of the film, he decides to divert from his mission because of THE POWER OF LOVE. This gets him in trouble from his bosses because they don’t understand, but in the end they learn that in our individualistic society THE POWER OF LOVE trumps all other missions and commitments even in THE FUTURE, and it is very ROMANTIC and there is LOVE.

What You'll Get In The Movie: NOT THAT.

Eventual Spoilers. ) 
sephira: (Justified)
Well, that’s the most I’ve been misled by a trailer for a while.

What You Expect From The Trailer: While doing his wacky unexpected job, Jake Gyllenhaal the loveable rogue gradually falls in love with pretty black-haired actress whose name I’ve forgotten. Near the end of the film, he decides to divert from his mission because of THE POWER OF LOVE. This gets him in trouble from his bosses because they don’t understand, but in the end they learn that in our individualistic society THE POWER OF LOVE trumps all other missions and commitments even in THE FUTURE, and it is very ROMANTIC and there is LOVE.

What You'll Get In The Movie: NOT THAT.

Eventual Spoilers. ) 
sephira: (Support Our Troops)
 Yes I know this movie came out like eighteen months ago. I wish I had seen it sooner, so I could have told more people to watch it. As it is I’ll probably just have to encourage people to get the DVD.

Before I begin: for years, people have been talking about how bad movies are and I’ve been saying “Meh, they’re still kind of fun,” and then this year I’ve seen two movies in cinemas and each one has been preceded by a roll of trailers that are so unbelievably awful in every way that even five years ago I would have thought they were parodies. When did Congress pass that law that every single scene in a movie should have at least 18 bad CG dragons? Isn’t one bad CG dragon enough? You can't just hide behind the piles of CG dragons, Hollywood.

And do not get me started on Red Riding Hood. A year ago on this journal I was all ‘Hey Twilight isn’t a bad thing because at least it’s honest about elements of female sexuality that have long been censored outside of romance novels’ and now I’m like ‘SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE??’

I guess I’m not too pessimistic about it because a) TV is much better than it used to be, so maybe we’ll all just accept movies as filling the little-appreciated CGI dragon audience niche and b) it can’t possibly keep being this bad for long. But man, I remember when I used to look forward to trailers before movies.

Anyway, on to the movie. According to what I’d heard from a few people, I could expect what was pretty much a remake of my all-time favorite movie, Independence Day. You know, Brent Spiner, Jeff Goldblum, dog rescuing, an alien Mac virus, inappropriately-timed romance, that sort of thing. I was not expecting a war movie. Let me be clear: this is a war movie. )
 
sephira: (Support Our Troops)
 Yes I know this movie came out like eighteen months ago. I wish I had seen it sooner, so I could have told more people to watch it. As it is I’ll probably just have to encourage people to get the DVD.

Before I begin: for years, people have been talking about how bad movies are and I’ve been saying “Meh, they’re still kind of fun,” and then this year I’ve seen two movies in cinemas and each one has been preceded by a roll of trailers that are so unbelievably awful in every way that even five years ago I would have thought they were parodies. When did Congress pass that law that every single scene in a movie should have at least 18 bad CG dragons? Isn’t one bad CG dragon enough? You can't just hide behind the piles of CG dragons, Hollywood.

And do not get me started on Red Riding Hood. A year ago on this journal I was all ‘Hey Twilight isn’t a bad thing because at least it’s honest about elements of female sexuality that have long been censored outside of romance novels’ and now I’m like ‘SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE??’

I guess I’m not too pessimistic about it because a) TV is much better than it used to be, so maybe we’ll all just accept movies as filling the little-appreciated CGI dragon audience niche and b) it can’t possibly keep being this bad for long. But man, I remember when I used to look forward to trailers before movies.

Anyway, on to the movie. According to what I’d heard from a few people, I could expect what was pretty much a remake of my all-time favorite movie, Independence Day. You know, Brent Spiner, Jeff Goldblum, dog rescuing, an alien Mac virus, inappropriately-timed romance, that sort of thing. I was not expecting a war movie. Let me be clear: this is a war movie. )
 
sephira: (Justified: hat)
I was talked into seeing this movie last night. I did that unwise thing where you say “Well, if you really want to see it, I’ll go,” while secretly hoping that the other person will say “Nah, it’s okay” and then they say “Yes.” I expected to be bored, at best mildly entertained, for a couple of hours while eating delicious popcorn.

Little did I know that it was going to turn out to be the greatest movie-watching experience of my life.

To be honest, I only assented to seeing this because it had Timothy Olyphant in it. And when he appeared on screen, I thought damn this is going to be a long two hours, because he had a douchey ponytail. I wish I could find a picture; you’ll just have to imagine the douchiest ponytail ever. He looked like he should have been holding an acoustic guitar and singing about lesbian seagulls. But then, something strange happened. About ten minutes into the film, the douchey ponytail disappeared and was replaced with a normal haircut. It didn’t show him getting a haircut, and it happened when his character was in a hurry, so it wasn’t like he would have had time to stop and change it. The only possible explanation is that the movie is so awesome that it simply blasted the ponytail from existence.

So, the plot. It’s explained in an unintentionally hilarious monologue that the main character, John, is actually an alien who is being hunted by other evil aliens who had taken over his home planet, and are now trying to kill off the last of his kind so they can colonize Earth. Timothy Olyphant is another good alien, John’s protector/guardian who poses as his father while they’re on Earth. The problem here is that the actor who plays John looks way mature for his age, like seriously about 30 years old, and Timothy Olyphant’s pretty young looking, and so there’s literally no visually discernable age difference between them, and instead they come off through the whole movie as having this wildly homoerotic relationship with a disturbingly unequal power dynamic:


(SPOILERS FOLLOW) )
sephira: (Justified: hat)
I was talked into seeing this movie last night. I did that unwise thing where you say “Well, if you really want to see it, I’ll go,” while secretly hoping that the other person will say “Nah, it’s okay” and then they say “Yes.” I expected to be bored, at best mildly entertained, for a couple of hours while eating delicious popcorn.

Little did I know that it was going to turn out to be the greatest movie-watching experience of my life.

To be honest, I only assented to seeing this because it had Timothy Olyphant in it. And when he appeared on screen, I thought damn this is going to be a long two hours, because he had a douchey ponytail. I wish I could find a picture; you’ll just have to imagine the douchiest ponytail ever. He looked like he should have been holding an acoustic guitar and singing about lesbian seagulls. But then, something strange happened. About ten minutes into the film, the douchey ponytail disappeared and was replaced with a normal haircut. It didn’t show him getting a haircut, and it happened when his character was in a hurry, so it wasn’t like he would have had time to stop and change it. The only possible explanation is that the movie is so awesome that it simply blasted the ponytail from existence.

So, the plot. It’s explained in an unintentionally hilarious monologue that the main character, John, is actually an alien who is being hunted by other evil aliens who had taken over his home planet, and are now trying to kill off the last of his kind so they can colonize Earth. Timothy Olyphant is another good alien, John’s protector/guardian who poses as his father while they’re on Earth. The problem here is that the actor who plays John looks way mature for his age, like seriously about 30 years old, and Timothy Olyphant’s pretty young looking, and so there’s literally no visually discernable age difference between them, and instead they come off through the whole movie as having this wildly homoerotic relationship with a disturbingly unequal power dynamic:


(SPOILERS FOLLOW) )
sephira: (Supernatural: 80's pr0n stars)
Okay, I must admit that I only watched this documentary because a) People were messaging me telling me that they talked about a Cracked article I had written in it, and b) I was on a plane (I checked to make sure no small children were sitting behind me first, don't worry!). BUT, it turned out to be so much better than I had expected that even after that part was over and after my laptop battery ran out on the plane, I voluntarily watched the rest of it at home, even though it's over three hours long. If you're interested in horror and/or how movies get made, it's worth a watch. I think documentaries like this are a good antidote to people who have no idea what actually goes into making a movie, and therefore assume that everything bad that happens to their favorite franchise is not caused by filming problems/budget restraints/studio interference/bad luck but by personal malice directed against them. (Note: I am often one of these people.)

Some interesting things I learned from the movie:
  • One of the rejected scripts for Freddy vs Jason was actually co-written by Ronald D. Moore. Yes, that one. Imagine how that would have turned out. Do we want to know?
  • Peter Jackson wrote another rejected script for NoES 6, which from the sound of it probably would have sucked (I never liked his horror, TBH)
  • The pre-release press conference for Freddy vs Jason was actually better than the movie itself.
  • One of the potential endings for that movie was pretty much awesome beyond words, but was killed because New Line didn't own the rights to a particular character (no, not Ash, although anything involving him was killed for the same reason). WHY DO THEY MOCK US BY TELLING US ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, WHY.
  • Despite the franchise containing gang rape, evisceration, people getting their faces cut off and um, graphic stuff I won't go into here since it's not behind a cut, the one thing any of the producers expressed reservation or regret about allowing onto the screen was a female victim calling Freddy a 'fag'. Interesting priorities, America! It kind of reminds me of one time when I was channel flipping and caught part of a version of Pulp Fiction where they'd left in the stabbing and male rape scene, but had carefully censored out every mention of the word 'bitch'. 
sephira: (Supernatural: 80's pr0n stars)
Okay, I must admit that I only watched this documentary because a) People were messaging me telling me that they talked about a Cracked article I had written in it, and b) I was on a plane (I checked to make sure no small children were sitting behind me first, don't worry!). BUT, it turned out to be so much better than I had expected that even after that part was over and after my laptop battery ran out on the plane, I voluntarily watched the rest of it at home, even though it's over three hours long. If you're interested in horror and/or how movies get made, it's worth a watch. I think documentaries like this are a good antidote to people who have no idea what actually goes into making a movie, and therefore assume that everything bad that happens to their favorite franchise is not caused by filming problems/budget restraints/studio interference/bad luck but by personal malice directed against them. (Note: I am often one of these people.)

Some interesting things I learned from the movie:
  • One of the rejected scripts for Freddy vs Jason was actually co-written by Ronald D. Moore. Yes, that one. Imagine how that would have turned out. Do we want to know?
  • Peter Jackson wrote another rejected script for NoES 6, which from the sound of it probably would have sucked (I never liked his horror, TBH)
  • The pre-release press conference for Freddy vs Jason was actually better than the movie itself.
  • One of the potential endings for that movie was pretty much awesome beyond words, but was killed because New Line didn't own the rights to a particular character (no, not Ash, although anything involving him was killed for the same reason). WHY DO THEY MOCK US BY TELLING US ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, WHY.
  • Despite the franchise containing gang rape, evisceration, people getting their faces cut off and um, graphic stuff I won't go into here since it's not behind a cut, the one thing any of the producers expressed reservation or regret about allowing onto the screen was a female victim calling Freddy a 'fag'. Interesting priorities, America! It kind of reminds me of one time when I was channel flipping and caught part of a version of Pulp Fiction where they'd left in the stabbing and male rape scene, but had carefully censored out every mention of the word 'bitch'. 
sephira: (Support Our Troops)
 So, for the past six months or so, I have been watching movies about the Iraq/Afghanistan wars, regardless of perceived quality. I didn’t really undertake this task deliberately. It started when I happened to start watching the movie Sand Serpents, because look at the movie poster, come on:


Could you resist something that looks like that? No. Come, on, 'Terror Lies Beneath'? Get it? Terror?

Alas, the poster lied, because the movie was too awful to finish. There were some things I could look past, like the Sci-Fi channel apparently being too cheap to give any of the actors name-tapes on their uniforms, or one of the two black characters dying heroically to save his white companions. However, ten minutes later, when the sole remaining black character also died heroically to save her white companions, I turned it off.

Are they all bad, I wondered? I thought back to Battle For Haditha all those months ago, and thought 'Yes'. And so over the next couple of months, I went on a small quest to find an answer: are there any movies made about the current Iraq/Afghanistan conflicts that that surpass, or at least equal, the TV show Generation Kill?

The Very Long Answer )


The Short Answer )
sephira: (Support Our Troops)
 So, for the past six months or so, I have been watching movies about the Iraq/Afghanistan wars, regardless of perceived quality. I didn’t really undertake this task deliberately. It started when I happened to start watching the movie Sand Serpents, because look at the movie poster, come on:


Could you resist something that looks like that? No. Come, on, 'Terror Lies Beneath'? Get it? Terror?

Alas, the poster lied, because the movie was too awful to finish. There were some things I could look past, like the Sci-Fi channel apparently being too cheap to give any of the actors name-tapes on their uniforms, or one of the two black characters dying heroically to save his white companions. However, ten minutes later, when the sole remaining black character also died heroically to save her white companions, I turned it off.

Are they all bad, I wondered? I thought back to Battle For Haditha all those months ago, and thought 'Yes'. And so over the next couple of months, I went on a small quest to find an answer: are there any movies made about the current Iraq/Afghanistan conflicts that that surpass, or at least equal, the TV show Generation Kill?

The Very Long Answer )


The Short Answer )
sephira: (BSG: Starbuck says frak you)
 ... but I really really liked 'Teeth'. I went in expecting a joke gimmick movie, and I got something genuinely awesome and enjoyable. I mean most movies that call themselves horror/comedy turn out to be either not very horrific or not very funny, but this one was both. REALLY. I mean there was one scene in particular (I can't really describe it without giving too much away) where I was laughing hysterically and it's also one of the MOST HORRIFYING THINGS EVER IMAGINABLE and I've never seen that put together so well before. No idea why this movie only got a 5.8 rating on IMDB.

IDK, maybe if I was a guy I would feel differently.
 
sephira: (BSG: Starbuck says frak you)
 ... but I really really liked 'Teeth'. I went in expecting a joke gimmick movie, and I got something genuinely awesome and enjoyable. I mean most movies that call themselves horror/comedy turn out to be either not very horrific or not very funny, but this one was both. REALLY. I mean there was one scene in particular (I can't really describe it without giving too much away) where I was laughing hysterically and it's also one of the MOST HORRIFYING THINGS EVER IMAGINABLE and I've never seen that put together so well before. No idea why this movie only got a 5.8 rating on IMDB.

IDK, maybe if I was a guy I would feel differently.
 
sephira: (Supernatural: Impala)
Usually, I’m not really a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good concept. It's really overblown these days, and most of the stuff out there labeled ‘so bad it’s good’ is actually just bad. Unless you’re stoned/drunk/on strong painkillers, you’re probably far better off just looking for something good, IMO.

But now I know there is an exception to this rule, and its name is Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Yes, Internet, you can believe the hype. Do not pass this over as another Snakes on a Plane or Zombie Strippers or Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. No, this is the real thing. This is true genius.

I actually planned on doing a proper review of this movie, but it’s really almost impossible to make fun of it in text form. It would be like writing about this video. It’s obvious that you’re unfairly laughing at something smaller and weaker than you that is not smart enough to defend itself. But it’s still really goddamn funny.

In Birdemic, the sound hasn’t been evened out between scene changes. Every time there’s a cut, the background noise gets louder or softer. The attacking birds aren’t even CG, they’re those animated gifs you might have expected to see on a Geocities page in 1997. But you know what? These are some of the least bad things about the movie.

Over the first half hour of Birdemic, we follow the main character - I can’t remember his name so I’ll call him Al – as he courts a young fashion model and succeeds wildly at his job. Now, I can’t exaggerate how miscast the guy playing Al is. )
sephira: (Supernatural: Impala)
Usually, I’m not really a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good concept. It's really overblown these days, and most of the stuff out there labeled ‘so bad it’s good’ is actually just bad. Unless you’re stoned/drunk/on strong painkillers, you’re probably far better off just looking for something good, IMO.

But now I know there is an exception to this rule, and its name is Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Yes, Internet, you can believe the hype. Do not pass this over as another Snakes on a Plane or Zombie Strippers or Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. No, this is the real thing. This is true genius.

I actually planned on doing a proper review of this movie, but it’s really almost impossible to make fun of it in text form. It would be like writing about this video. It’s obvious that you’re unfairly laughing at something smaller and weaker than you that is not smart enough to defend itself. But it’s still really goddamn funny.

In Birdemic, the sound hasn’t been evened out between scene changes. Every time there’s a cut, the background noise gets louder or softer. The attacking birds aren’t even CG, they’re those animated gifs you might have expected to see on a Geocities page in 1997. But you know what? These are some of the least bad things about the movie.

Over the first half hour of Birdemic, we follow the main character - I can’t remember his name so I’ll call him Al – as he courts a young fashion model and succeeds wildly at his job. Now, I can’t exaggerate how miscast the guy playing Al is. )

By request

Mar. 12th, 2010 03:10 pm
sephira: (Default)
 My short Legion review. It was requested by the Cracked people and then abandoned when it disappeared at the box office; we did the Horror Movies page instead.

If you can't be bothered clicking, I'll sum it up by saying that even with Paul Bettany, Adrianne Palicki, plenty of guns and the knowledge that I was getting paid to watch the movie, it was still a painful experience.

By request

Mar. 12th, 2010 03:10 pm
sephira: (Default)
 My short Legion review. It was requested by the Cracked people and then abandoned when it disappeared at the box office; we did the Horror Movies page instead.

If you can't be bothered clicking, I'll sum it up by saying that even with Paul Bettany, Adrianne Palicki, plenty of guns and the knowledge that I was getting paid to watch the movie, it was still a painful experience.

June 2016

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