sephira: (Default)

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So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It's a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.

The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the release date is December 2014. "So why are you telling us about this now, Coville, you crazy animal? It's not out for like three more months!" I hear you exclaim. Good question, friends! It's because it turns out that if Amazon sees advanced interest in a book, it'll put more in stock, and then they'll be more interested in selling more copies because they already have all these copies in stock anyway, and I'm not 100% sure of how the marketing aspect works at their end but it's just really good for me (and all authors!) if you preorder stuff.

So please consider! It is only $9.45, which last time I checked will buy you less than one third of a monkey on the monkey black market.

And here's a link to Barnes and Noble for people who don't use Amazon.

(Cross-posted from Tumblr)

sephira: (Default)

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I hear this is standard and the idea is that you're supposed to hand them out for free to your friends and family, like some sort of communist. Yeah, right. If you want my sweet, sweet friendship you are going to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and buy my book just like everyone else because I'm sorry, this is AMERICA.

But the problem here is that now I don't know what to do with all these books. Hand them out to acquaintances? Take them to libraries? Build a little fort for my cat? I am not sure that would work because my cat is quite big and there aren't really enough books and she'd probably just prefer the empty box to be honest. Other writers who are probably smarter than me, what did you do?

Anyway as you can see the book is SUPER GREAT and it has PICTURES AND EVERYTHING and it comes out in December so that makes it a great holiday present for people you care about enough to spend $8.51 on! So if you haven't ordered it yet what the hell is wrong with you do you want my cat to starve is that what you want



crossposted from tumblr

sephira: (Default)

Any remaining LJ people: I need your help collecting funny bad reviews from around the internet! By ‘funny bad reviews’ I mean:

a) Reviews of absolutely terrible products/services; aka things that are unusually terrible enough to be amusing (“The waiter threw up on my girlfriend and accused us of being lizard people” “The condoms have a tendency to catch fire under heavy friction”)

b) Reviews of good products/services written by dumb people; the reviewer is so clueless or incompetent that the review becomes funny. (“I am giving this ‘The Godfather’ DVD set one star because it would have worked better as an anime”  “The kosher deli manager was rude and glared at me when I ordered a ham-and-cheese sandwich; will not return ONE STAR”)

Both types must be negative reviews, i.e. one- or two-star (or 3/10 or thumbs down or whatever, depending on the rating system)

If you have seen any of these, or happen to come across any, please send them to me by giving me the link to the review to coville dot c at gmail dot com. If you send me something that ends up in the finished work I will do my best to get you in the ‘Acknowledgements’ section! In print!

sephira: (Bones: Booth and Brennan)

His name is Mark Marsay, of London, England. He goes by the name “Mark Mitchell” and “Mark M.” online. Other internet handles include “Yowhound” (on Cracked and Twitter) and "Cleo's Patra." He used to run an antique-restoration business by the name of “MC Antiques”, which is now apparently defunct, and he seems to still work in the field of antique and tool restoration.

I was a bit torn over posting this. On the one hand, the story of Mr. Marsay's escapades have not, as far as I know, been detailed anywhere online that isn't private or locked, and this means that Mark will be able keep on doing this elsewhere on the Internet without even a theoretical chance of someone finding out about his reputation. On the other hand, by describing this guy as a big faker I do not want to damage Cracked’s reputation. In light of this, I want to emphasize that all of Mark Marsay’s fakery was done entirely with regards to his personal life, and not anything he wrote in his many Cracked articles, which like all articles there were fact-checked multiple times by editors. In fact, it was only when Mark got too confident and tried to take it into the article arena that the spiel unraveled.

According to the stories Mark told to anyone who knew him, this guy had not only had a liver transplant in 2010, but had also had a son who died in Gulf War 2 (or was it 1?) and a daughter who died of AIDS after an infected blood transfusion in the 80s. He overcame all this misfortune, though, and indeed leveraged people’s sympathy into contributing to a collection of fiction stories he edited and sold on Amazon. Other Cracked writers, myself included, contributed non-fiction pieces, and a Cracked editor wrote an introduction. Still others donated their time in order to copyedit and create the Kindle version. The money from the book, which sold well, was meant to go towards Kiva loans.

The money never actually reached charity, but Mark had many excuses about Amazon messing up the checks and a thousand other things. After that, I didn’t have much contact with the guy and didn’t respond to the emails asking me for more free work, not because I suspected anything so much as because I’m lazy. Meanwhile, a few other writers had apparently figured out what was going on, but chose not to tell anyone. I don’t hang out with them either so I don’t know why.

A few months back, Mark submitted a "personal experience" article to Cracked. These are different from normal articles, in that they’re less about general facts and more about your own life (for example, like this one I did). Mark Marsay’s claim at the article was that he made a living as a weaponsmith, and at first glance the article actually seemed legit (I'm guessing this is because he wasn’t completely lying – he is involved in antique restoration, quite possibly he reads up on weaponsmaking as a hobby; and also just likes to pretend he’s cool enough to make a living at it). Still, a few people immediately called him on minor errors in the text, which he brushed off with explanations and changes, and finally the eds requested more proof, particularly pictures of the weapons Mark was talking about making. Note, he'd told everyone that every weapon he makes was photographed by police (he lives in the UK, remember, and they don’t trust their subjects to defend themselves there), so all Mark theoretically had to do was give everyone the name of the police database where they were stored. Instead, he claimed that:

1. He had left his camera at home

2. His wife was mentally ill and paranoid, and would not allow his photos to go up (his wife is real, by the way. I wonder what she thinks about this)

3. He couldn’t send the pictures because he had Undisclosed Health Problem X and was in hospital for a while

4. He had suddenly entered a monastery (no, really.)

5. He would send the photos later

6. Don’t we trust him????? Some of the Cracked staff DON'T EVEN USE THEIR REAL NAMES!

7. I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THESE PHOTOS ON PRINCIPLE BECAUSE YOU HAVE QUESTIONED MY HONOR, SIRS.

Finally, he stormed off completely. His last demand was that passionate speech requested that Cracked send him an invoice so that he could repay the money he was given in advance for the article. He declared that he would not take money for work he hadn’t done. You see, Mark is honest.

When I heard about this, I spent about 15 seconds looking up the WHOIS information on a domain Mark owns, and found his real name and street address. With this information, I then found one of his old Internet incarnations posting on a forum called "Old Tools." One of his more recent posts was this delicious bio:

Back in April 2005, as some of you may recall, we bought a small farm in the south of Italy. I spent most of 2005 and all of 2006 getting it habitable… Got the garden going, raising chickens, pheasant, quail and olives, plus a couple of fattening hogs per year. Once the farm was ticking over nicely, with a good friend basically running the farm side of things, I came back to London to carry on work here, the plan being one month on and one month off in the summer, winters in Italy. Unfortunately........

I am (now was) a reservist (Technically an OTC reserve, but never mind - if they can find you they will use you). Yep, you guessed it, 6 weeks before I would be safe for all time, I got called up. A few weeks retraining, a few months in wonderful, sunny, cheerful Helmand province, and several months hospital time (and a rather interesting set of abdominal scars that look like a 3D map of the Alps) later, I make it back to the Porch.


That’s right, stealing money intended for Kiva loans recipients just wasn't classy enough for El Marsay; he's also a fake vet. Who got blown up, right before retirement. When all he wanted to do was raise quails. Because you know, that's totally how people talk about their war injuries.

I won’t lie: I’m a bad person, and it takes a lot to rouse my pissed-off-ness. I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to write this if Mark had just done the Kiva loans thing and run. But fake veterans are just kind of a trigger point with me. (You know what else is? Public bathrooms that don’t provide a hook or something to hang your purse. I mean you can sometimes awkwardly balance it in your lap but what if you have multiple bags? Is there anything filthier than the floor in a public bathroom? How many people rest their purses on the floor without thinking about it and then lay them on the kitchen counter later? Doesn’t anyone think about this but me? Anyway I am not accusing Mark Marsay of maliciously removing bathroom hooks, but I wouldn’t put it past him, if you know what I’m saying.)

Note: I’m putting up this information for the sake of information/warning people. Please do not take anything I have written here as an invitation to stalk the guy. He does have a family, and any information about them should stay out of this since I'm sure their lives are already hard enough. Please also note that there is a popular science fiction writer from Yorkshire by the name of Mark Marsay, and also a WWI historian who I think is from Scarborough. And probably many others. They are real, and are probably very nice people. However, Mark Marsay, antique restorer of London, is probably lying if his lips are moving. Do not trust him. He is a fugly slut.

sephira: (PINK UNICORN F YEAH)



You see when you decide to become a professional writer, God provides you with rent payments and groceries, and all of your other consumer goods are provided to you every morning by a fleet of magical unicorns. This frees up 16 hours a day for writing, interrupted only by when you're brought meals by the tiny elves who cook and clean and maintain human relationships for you, because you don't have to do that anymore because you're a writer. So of course, I'll gladly hand over a well-researched article for you for no money and no other discernable gain, total stranger! I'm flattered you asked, because I have absolutely nothing better to do!
sephira: (NAVY GIRL)
I'm safely arrived in sunny California, in temporary housing with an Internet connection that the military has managed to make slower than dialup. Seriously, they must have used some sort of witchcraft. But it is very pretty and there is a yard so I'm not complaining.

To make up for the relocation-related lack of posting, here's some assorted stuff I did:

Cracked: What Sort Of Action Movie Single Dad Are You?

Uproxx: 7 Crimes Inspired By Badly Chosen Pop Culture

HolyTaco: How To Be Mistaken For A Pedophile

There's also a podcast interview here at Film School Rejects, which I haven't listened to myself because I'm too embarrassed. Click if you're really into half-Australian accents I guess.
sephira: (NAVY GIRL)
I'm safely arrived in sunny California, in temporary housing with an Internet connection that the military has managed to make slower than dialup. Seriously, they must have used some sort of witchcraft. But it is very pretty and there is a yard so I'm not complaining.

To make up for the relocation-related lack of posting, here's some assorted stuff I did:

Cracked: What Sort Of Action Movie Single Dad Are You?

Uproxx: 7 Crimes Inspired By Badly Chosen Pop Culture

HolyTaco: How To Be Mistaken For A Pedophile

There's also a podcast interview here at Film School Rejects, which I haven't listened to myself because I'm too embarrassed. Click if you're really into half-Australian accents I guess.

IDF MONDAY

Feb. 7th, 2011 10:40 am
sephira: (Supernatural: So We Meet Again)

AWWW PUPPY!!!

Also if anyone is bored today, I wrote this: The Internet Darwin Awards.

IDF MONDAY

Feb. 7th, 2011 10:40 am
sephira: (Supernatural: So We Meet Again)

AWWW PUPPY!!!

Also if anyone is bored today, I wrote this: The Internet Darwin Awards.

Whoops

Sep. 28th, 2010 12:44 am
sephira: (Default)
 I also wrote something and then forgot about it.This is why I will never amount to anything. (It's pretty good, though.)

A Guide To Meeting Famous People

Whoops

Sep. 28th, 2010 12:44 am
sephira: (Default)
 I also wrote something and then forgot about it.This is why I will never amount to anything. (It's pretty good, though.)

A Guide To Meeting Famous People

June 2016

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