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... is automatically avoiding all danger of becoming a Smug Overprotective Parent of One Child type.

Not that all parents of one child are like this, or even the majority, or probably anything but a teeny-but-annoying minority! But I seem to be running into a lot of them lately! Particularly online, where you can find them solemnly informing everyone who will listen that they would never take their eyes off their child long enough to let it get attacked by a wild boar, or that the parents of that poor girl who got attacked in a bathroom weren't being responsible, and that unlike those people THEY always accompany THEIR child to a bathroom when out in public!!!111

But what if you have... more than one child? you ask. At this point, one can imagine the look of slowly dawning horror spreading over their face as they somehow become aware for the first time ever that such a thing is possible. Then (I imagine) they gradually raise their hands in front of their face and gaze at them sadly like the rock biter in The Neverending Story, suddenly aware of the sheer vastness of the unknowable universe and also the concept of plurals.

Then their heads explode? I assume. Usually these brave parenting warriors only give out their opinions on facebook I just have to go by guessing here.


May. 11th, 2016 08:16 pm
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I ended up posting about Marcy on a rescue site devoted just to Ragdoll cats, and got a lot of responses. They all started out using language like "We wuv your kitty! Is she ready for a forever home? xoxoxoxo!!" and then I'd write back and explain some of her issues and they'd NEVER REPLY. But finally one lady wrote who wasn't flaky and who wanted it for her daughter who lives alone and said she could give Marcy a lot of attention, and I got enough information on them to make sure that she wasn't secretly collecting ragdolls to start a ragdoll circus or something, and she was talking about all the kitty stuff they'd bought and we arranged a date and I was expecting them to flake out right to the last second and then... they turned up. So yeah, no more Marcy at our house.

And now, predictably, I'm feeling sad. Not regretful or anything, just sad that we won't have that demented animal around anymore. I have the new owner's contact details and I'm holding back right now from spamming her phone asking how Marcy is going. I want her to feel like Marcy is 100% her kitty now and not like I'm going to show up at her house at 3am yelling for my animal back.

We did make it very clear that if they had a problem with her they could take her back here, so who knows.
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She's just the worst, guys. Her biggest flaw (out of many) is that she refuses to eat without encouragment and supervision. Which means that at least four or five times a day she'll come up to you meowing demanding that you lead her over to her food. When you do that, she'll indicate in cat body language that this food is more than 30 seconds old and therefore not up to her standards. If you give up on getting her to eat the old food and go get a new can for her, and then attempt to resume what you were doing, she will stop eating the food and follow you to your new location. AND THEN START MEOWING FOR FOOD AGAIN.

This wouldn't be that terrible if she didn't have the worst "I'm hungry" timing available, like when I have just sat down to nurse a baby.

My cat, seen here looking for food (probably)

The other major issue is her dog-like levels of neediness. Read more... )
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  • What if I had never met my husband? If the theory of multiple universes is true, there must be millions of versions of myself out there that never met him. That would be awful! IT IS SO SAD

  • That one day someone might frame me for a crime, and then I'll get sent to prison, and the prison people won't believe that I really have food allergies and so I can't eat the food there, and I gradually starve to death

  • That I might get a religious vision that reveals Islam to be the one true faith, and then I can't eat bacon anymore

  • That my children might grow up and like anime

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Babies love to imitate. I remember I was reading once about this experiment where a couple decided to raise their child alongside a chimpanzee so they could figure out which of the human/ape differences were innate (it was the 1930s, all right, parents were weird back then) and they eventually shut down the experiment because they found that rather than the ape picking up human behavior, the son was imitating the ape. Human babies are just really great at imitating even though they mostly just look like drooling potatoes.

What's really great is when it comes to speech. I knew about babies babbling and all that, but until I had these particular babies I never realized that they'll have entire conversations with you in potato-speech (or at least mine do. I have no idea if I have freak babies). It'll be like this:

YOU: Hello, baby! How are you!

BABY: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.

YOU: That's interesting!

BABY: Ggggggg ua ua ua.

YOU: Is that so?

BABY: *nods thoughtfully*

After a while I realized that the baby isn't just practicing speech, it thinks it's participating in a real, equal conversation. It hears all these adults around it talking, and of course it can't understand because it's a baby, so it just hears a bunch of meaningless syllables. So even though it can't physically produce anything more than meaningless syllables, it totally thinks it's joining in and beating the adults at their own game.

What's REALLY great is when you have twins, occasionally they'll get caught in this meaningless-syllable feedback loop and start having a conversation with each other:

BABY 1: Ua ua ua ua ua ua.

BABY 2: Gggggggggg UA UA

BABY 1: Guh Guh uauauaua?

BABY 2: *nods thoughtfully*

It's like seeing two spambots on Twitter getting into a conversation with one another.
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I thought I'd start posting a bit more here, even though it's Livejournal and there are probably only 6 people reading it anymore and 5 of those are Russian spambots that have secretly gained sentience somehow. I planned and tried for a long time to do everything I used to do here on Tumblr, but it's never quite worked out, because whenever I write something on Tumblr I just get afraid that someone is going to reblog my post with a note underneath proving that what I wrote was racist, because this seems to comprise about 80% of the activity on Tumblr (the rest is porn gifs).

Anyway, I thought I'd start with a link to one of my favorite short horror stories, Thurnley Abbey. I post it here because it's become apparent that it's one of those hipster horror stories that no one has ever heard of. Whenever someone writes an introduction to it they always talk about how super mega anthologized it is, and yet even the people I know who own a whole shelf of horror anthologies don't seem to have read it. I'll put the reasons I like it under a cut, because it's online behind that link and you really should read it before I spoil it for you. GO READ IT NOW.

Read more... )


Nov. 4th, 2015 01:51 pm
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Teeniest Little Red Riding Hood and not-so-Big Bad Wolf, plus Grandmother and the Huntsman. I wish I could have gotten a shot of all four of us but the babies weren’t cooperating. They did manage to be stupidly cute though.
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(me and my brother in baby store)

Me: It is a shame my husband is too scared to use our sling to carry a baby, as we have two babies.
Brother: Why don't we get him this carrier? It looks like a tactical baby holder. Like you would use during a zombie apocalypse!
Me: Yeah right. He is never going to fall for that as an excuse for me to get him to constantly carry a baby.

(later, at home)

Me: If you hate it, I can--
Me: Well I'm glad you--

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Those little potato-looking guys are my son and daughter, born earlier this August. I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now.
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So earlier in the year I wrote this book for Adams Media. It's a collection of funny reviews from around the internet. It has pictures and stuff and is a really good gift book for the humor-enjoying person in your life.

The book is now available for preorder on Amazon at this link: the release date is December 2014. "So why are you telling us about this now, Coville, you crazy animal? It's not out for like three more months!" I hear you exclaim. Good question, friends! It's because it turns out that if Amazon sees advanced interest in a book, it'll put more in stock, and then they'll be more interested in selling more copies because they already have all these copies in stock anyway, and I'm not 100% sure of how the marketing aspect works at their end but it's just really good for me (and all authors!) if you preorder stuff.

So please consider! It is only $9.45, which last time I checked will buy you less than one third of a monkey on the monkey black market.

And here's a link to Barnes and Noble for people who don't use Amazon.

(Cross-posted from Tumblr)

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I hear this is standard and the idea is that you're supposed to hand them out for free to your friends and family, like some sort of communist. Yeah, right. If you want my sweet, sweet friendship you are going to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and buy my book just like everyone else because I'm sorry, this is AMERICA.

But the problem here is that now I don't know what to do with all these books. Hand them out to acquaintances? Take them to libraries? Build a little fort for my cat? I am not sure that would work because my cat is quite big and there aren't really enough books and she'd probably just prefer the empty box to be honest. Other writers who are probably smarter than me, what did you do?

Anyway as you can see the book is SUPER GREAT and it has PICTURES AND EVERYTHING and it comes out in December so that makes it a great holiday present for people you care about enough to spend $8.51 on! So if you haven't ordered it yet what the hell is wrong with you do you want my cat to starve is that what you want

crossposted from tumblr

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And veterans also! Are one of those people who gets flustered and doesn't know what to say when complete strangers come up and tell you "Thank you for your service"? I don't blame you! It is a tricky one because you can either just smile or say nothing, which is pretty much like saying "THAT'S RIGHT I AM DAMN AWESOME WORSHIP ME" or you can attempt to contradict them and say something like "Don't thank me, I just signed up three weeks ago after I got fired from the chicken-processing plant for stealing necks" which just makes things awkward as hell.

So I actually found a discussion about this on reddit a nice part of the internet and someone said that he used to find it awkward, but then he started replying to the phrase "Thank you for your service" with "Thank you for your support!". I passed this advice on to A (WHO SOMEHOW STILL LOOKS LIKE A MILITARY PERSON DESPITE HIS LONG MANLY BEARD) and every time he has said it the other person's face just lights up and it's really nice and sweet.
sephira: (Default) can cause temporary Hat Derangement Syndrome, like not long before he got out me and Adam went to Easter liturgy and he wore his dress blues, and then when we were outside he didn't put his cover on. And I asked him "Why are you still holding your cover?" and he said "I'm getting out soon! I don't care about my stupid cover!" and then a lady from church who's been in the Air Force for like 15 years went by and yelled "WHERE'S YOUR COVER SAILOR" and he just automatically put it on

Then when we were in Vegas last year he bought a hat because it was really hot and sunny, but we were inside a mall for like an hour and he kept wearing the stupid hat. And I was like "take your hat off, we're inside, there is no sun" and he was like "Woman I am wearing this hat inside BECAUSE I CAN"

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  • Competence. I guess active-duty people would find it pretty that I'm using 'military' and 'competence' in the same sentence, but bear with me. Being active duty involves having your shit sorted out to a certain extent. Because if you are incapable of showing up somewhere you've promised you'll be multiple times, or if you refuse to answer your phone and act as if the concept of answering a phone is just baffling to you, you will be weeded out. And so when you only hang around active duty people and their families, you start to assume a certain level of "I have my shit together" from people and then you start to assume that people are just like that. And then you are out and you start to realize just how many people your age do not have their shit sorted out to even the slightest extent.

  • Some level of understanding? This one applies to me in the sense that my husband now has a job that also takes him away a lot and sometimes I can't contact him much. I am used to that, but I used to live in an area where other people were also used to that. If you stepped outside your house, the average spouse you met would also have been dealing with this for years. Now I don't have that. One acquaintance here had her husband go on his first ever business trip and kept messaging me saying "I miss him sooo much OMG I don't know how you DOOO it" and I'm like OMG he's away for one week, really?!

  • Camaraderie. I never got along with most military wives because I am an antisocial person who hates everyone, but at least there was one thing connecting us most of the time. Now I feel like I don't have much connecting me with the average person I meet, not even nationality. That might just be me though because of the hating everyone thing.

  • Cute uniforms

  • Shopping at Camp Pendleton

That's about it.
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Any remaining LJ people: I need your help collecting funny bad reviews from around the internet! By ‘funny bad reviews’ I mean:

a) Reviews of absolutely terrible products/services; aka things that are unusually terrible enough to be amusing (“The waiter threw up on my girlfriend and accused us of being lizard people” “The condoms have a tendency to catch fire under heavy friction”)

b) Reviews of good products/services written by dumb people; the reviewer is so clueless or incompetent that the review becomes funny. (“I am giving this ‘The Godfather’ DVD set one star because it would have worked better as an anime”  “The kosher deli manager was rude and glared at me when I ordered a ham-and-cheese sandwich; will not return ONE STAR”)

Both types must be negative reviews, i.e. one- or two-star (or 3/10 or thumbs down or whatever, depending on the rating system)

If you have seen any of these, or happen to come across any, please send them to me by giving me the link to the review to coville dot c at gmail dot com. If you send me something that ends up in the finished work I will do my best to get you in the ‘Acknowledgements’ section! In print!

June 2016



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